As there are 58 minutes left in 2015, my Facebook feed is filled with people excitedly welcoming the entrance of the year 2016. They have hopes of new beginnings and weight loss and big life improvements. They seem excited to say goodbye to the year that meant certain hardships and disappointments.
As for me, I am not sure how I feel about saying goodbye to 2015 and entering a new year. I don't have a lot of choice I suppose. 2015 has held the most pain I have ever felt. Losing my Dad has been absolutely awful. There has also been a lot of feeling helpless. What we went through while my Dad was in the hospital was traumatic. Knowing that I never get to spend another second here on Earth with my Dad is enough to tick me off and leave me feeling so very sad. I can't describe what I would give to hear another one of his stories or listen to him give the same lecture or have him hold my daughter again. I would appreciate him so much more if I knew then what I know now. I have regrets that I will carry the rest of my life and I can't do anything about them now.
Angela will likely never remember any of the times she spent with her Papa. He loved her, and all of us, more than he could ever express. He never got to see her walk. She was just learning to call him Papa. Her personality has developed so much the last five months and I wish he was here to enjoy it with us.
He wanted more grandchildren so badly, and he wanted one to be a boy. He was so excited to learn we were pregnant and I will never forget that conversation in June and how he kept repeating how excited he was. He couldn't wait to meet this little blessing. Yes, I know, he is up in Heaven watching and he is here with us now and every second of every day. But I miss him too much and I need him physically here. I don't need the reminder that he is in a better place. I know, and I am glad he is finally done suffering, but it doesn't make it fair.
2015 is also the year that my special horse, Sunday, died. I had her for 18 years and she was a huge part of my childhood. Sadly, she went to be with Dad in Heaven a few months after he passed. 2015 marks the year that so much changed.
It seems I would be so excited to say goodbye to this very hard year. But 2015 is full of important memories I will always cherish. 2015 will always be the year of my final memories with my Dad. Our last conversations and hugs will always remain in 2015. This year also meant big milestones in my life. Angela made so many exciting changes in 2015, from learning to crawl, turning one year old, walking, talking, and really turning into a little person. 2015 is the year we found out we were expecting a new important member of our family, who would be a little boy. Matt and I celebrated five years of marriage and purchased our first home this year. Due to much of what has already been discussed, 2015 was the year my family grew much closer and learned an important lesson about valuing the time we have together, something my Dad was always trying to teach us. 2015 was the year so many family members and friends gave us their genuine love and support.
As 2015 fades off into the past, it will stand out as a year of major changes in my life. I will always long for some of the memories that are beginning to fade away in the past. As the calendar flips to 2016, I have big things to look forward to and hopes of self-improvement and better health, just like everyone else. I also pray to never fully say goodbye to everything that this year was.
